Thursday, November 16, 2006

How to be a Girl or Boy

For boys who wanna be girls and girls who wanna be boys. Enjoy these two guides. From How to be a Girl (for Boys):
1. Wear anything. Wear a Budweiser bathing suit, discarded underwear cut into a halter top, or sheer gowns without panties. To be glamourous, you have to risk looking hideous. Others will think you’re gorgeous if they see you in something they could never imagine wearing themselves. Conviction assures success.

2. Don’t tuck. If someone snears at your lumpy hootchie, clarify your intentions with any one of the following reasons: The most obvious, a good package is never an embarrassment. You are doing the world far greater good in dismantling the gender binary than embracing it. No man should have to spend a night unable to pee, or fuck, at will. You are part of an ever-growing movement of transgressive queens proud of their dicks, from Jane to Vaginal Cream Davis, Keith Cole, Heklina, and the ever-popular me.

3. If you really must wear tits, use any number of roundish objects. Old nylons filled with rice. NERF balls cut in half (football or softball, depending on your preference for shape). With the right colour combination, they are particularly hot as exposed cleavage. My current favourite is trail mix. It’s great to have a snack on hand when you’re hungry. To avoid confusion, be sure to eat equal amounts from each breast. Important note: plastic baggies against your skin will make you sweat.
From How to be a Boy (for Girls):
1. Never allow lack of knowledge, experience, insight, directions or a map stop you from approaching a task with confidence and vigour. Scars and purple thumbnails are a status symbol. When attempting to operate, maintain or repair anything mechanical, always remember the words of my grandmother: “One must always keep in mind that the vast majority of machines are still designed, built, driven and fixed by men. Therefore, they cannot be that complicated.” Men are not born with superior technical abilities, they are just taught from a very early age to pretend they understand things they don’t. Girls are taught to watch carefully and ask questions, or better yet, to get someone else to do it for them. Abolish this behaviour from your repertoire. Build something from a plan in your head. Take your blender apart and put it back together. Buy yourself a cordless drill. Learn the names of the parts of an internal combustion engine, and use them in casual conversation. It’s easier than they want you to think.

2. Eat like you mean it. Repeat in public.

3. Carry a pocket knife, a lighter and a handkerchief on your person at all times. Pull them out whenever you see someone who needs a light, something to cry in, or something to cut their apple up with. Learn flashy lighter tricks, and practice them while waiting for the bus.
(Thanks Gaylord)

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