Jack Bauer's Friendster profile

If Jack Bauer from the hit TV series 24, has a Friendster profile, it will be something like the following. From McSweeney's:

To my enemies: If I need information from you, seconds count. So apologies in advance if I have to break your thumbs or threaten to kill your family; I empathize with you. Believe me, I've been tortured plenty of times myself, and I know interrogation ain't no picnic. Please listen to me very carefully: I will DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop this assassination/nuclear bomb/horrible karaoke.

P.S. Feel free to add me to your friends list! Send me a detailed message first (preferably encrypted) with your full background information and a recent photo. I will reply within 24 hours with instructions as to how to proceed from there. Understand that if you deviate from my orders in any way, I will be forced to place you on the "Ignore/Block User" list. Are we clear?